Now, I didn’t want to see Transformers because I thought it would be good, I didn’t even go to be amused by explosions. I went to see how badly Michael Bay fucked up. How much he followed every money making cliché. How much he dumbed it down to make a 150 minute brainwashing video to get everyone to believe that all one needs in life are explosions, military, a quirky personality, young women who can’t act, and massive gaping plot holes the size of Megan Fox’s- no. That joke is too easy. Point being, I watched this garbage from beginning to end. I made this sacrifice for you, so that you may understand that you have a choice. You may go along the path of righteousness, and spend money on the well reviewed independent flick, or perhaps a new Apatow movie. Or, you may continue the path of the sinner, and throw your money at the pile of fecal matter that is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
8:45 P.M. In the car on the way to the movie with several others. Two photographers argue about the concept of Transformers. The person next to me talks about the movie Milk, failing to say spoiler alert. I am not happy.
8:55 P.M. Getting food at the counter. I see a poster for G.I. Joe, next to a poster for The Final Destination. I am not happy with cinema.
9:05 P.M. We walk into the theater with the trailer for 2012 playing. I am not happy with John Cusack.
9:15 P.M. Movie begins. All trailers have been action movies, 2012, GI Joe, Final Destination. Its like my hopes and dreams were metaphorically raped by cinema.
9:16 P.M. We see the Paramount and Dreamworks Openings. Robot sounds are heard throughout. Michael Bay can’t wait for 10 seconds to hold off on effects.
9:17 P.M. We learn about the Fallen. Apparently they were ancient robots from Africa. They had this key that activated a weapon. When the tribe found out about this they all- oh never mind, scene is over.
9:20 We open to the military hunting robots. Oh cool its that cool giant robot with the wheel leg. Oh. Now they are sending in Optimus Prime. Destroyer of evil. Bringer of doom. The Messiah himself, the lord of all- oh action scene is over. That’s disappointing.
9:22We leave the robots who blow shit up, to see Sam (Shea Labowl) and his family helping him pack for college. Well, if we aren’t going to see robots at least we can rely on some witty comedy. We get to see mom crying in an over exaggerated way, thanks mom. We got pop telling sex jokes, thanks for that. And we have dogs humping…if I may….fuck you Michael Bay.
Ok. So This is where we get the closest thing to a story. Sam is off to college. Megan Fox’s character (I think its Michaela, but im not imdbing that crap. The name is said like 2 times at most). Sam got a rock, which is a piece of the cube, so that’s bad or something. So he goes to college and meets his roommate Leo (unknown inexperienced actor who will be in several TV commercials after this, but ultimately will become the assistant to the director of a bad soap opera that will be canceled after two seasons, and then he turns to drugs and OD’s on cheap heroine. His death won’t make the news. [I didn’t like him very much]).
(Approximate time) 9:45 Sam meets roommate. Everyone besides them is a very attractive woman. In the boys room we have a poster for Bad Boys II (thanks for that shameless self-propaganda Mr. Bay). We also have Sam’s roommates, who are all computer geeks. They talk about how there are robots in the world that are just covered up by the government…um…..no. Just no. For anyone who had the misfortune of seeing the first Transformers, there is a fucking battle in New York! You can’t cover up half of Manhattan being destroyed! Everyone knows! It would be like ignoring a giant alien squid monster in the middle of Time Square, you can’t just do that! Regardless, we also have Sam’s mother, who has now decided to eat pot brownies. Well, fair enough. At least know she won’t be over exaggerated like when she was crying earlier in- holy shit she just tackled a guy. Why?! Why did she do that. Was there PCP mixed in there?
9:50 Rein Wilson is in this movie now. I am upset. 1000 curses on your family, Dwight.
About 9:50 This Fallen dude is in space and takes control of a satellite to spy on humans. He sends a bunch of transformers down to earth and they invade a military base to take a piece of the cube to bring back Megatron. In the meantime, a toy car transformer (yup) tries to get the other piece of the cube, which is heavily guarded by…Megan Fox. Now this toy car brings me anger. Why? Imagine a talking rat that has a New York accent, swears constantly, is bitchy, stupid, horny, happy, crappy, and has turret syndrome…..yup.
9:55 Oh boy, we get to see the military, working with Optimus Prime. Oh look a bad actor, oh there is another, I- wow jackpot! This scene consists of 50 one word lines of dialogue interrupted by monologues of explanation that complicates a very simple story. Along with the military is a diplomat. He says the first thing reasonable in the movie. He asks why we should trust the “good robots” and maybe there is something that can be done to make the “bad robots” leave earth alone. He leaves angrily and black military guy says, and I quote “Man…that guy is an ass. hole.” Audience cheers. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.
10:00 Some girl finds Shea LaBlah attractive and starts makin out with him. Hot chick making out with Shea, and then a metal tail comes out of her panties and she- what?!.....what?!.........
So here is the deal. Megatron needs Sam cause he holds the secrets of the Fallen in his head. The military wants to blow shit up. Sam wants a normal life. Megan Fox wants to be taken seriously as an actress. And Optimus wants nothing…he’s dead. Just remember, he died for your sins.
10:15 Sam hides out with Mikela and Leo, along with Skids and Mudflap two Transformers/ black stereotypes. As I watch these transformers that turn into ice cream trucks, I thought to myself, everyone on board the set of Transformers was good with this. Steven fucking Spielberg, said this was good enough to be seen be the world (then again, he also thought the world wanted to see Shea Labongo team up with Harrison Ford to defeat aliens and English actresses with bad Russian accents…sigh).
10:16 Skids has a gold tooth. I want to hurt something.
10:17 Mudflap called Sam a pussy and then pounded knuckles with Skids. I want to hurt something.
10:18 Skids says they gotta stay safe. Though instead, the words echoing in my head are, “mesah called Jar Jar Binks. Mesah ya humble servant.”…..I want to hurt something.
10:19 Skids and Mudflap admit that they are illiterate. I become curious if Michael Bay showed the same racism with Will Smith and Martin Laurence in Bad Boys.
10:20 Nothing, not even black robots can stand against the Deceptacons and The Fallen. They reveal themselves to the world, and demand that Shea Labaklava be handed over to them. (lets see the government cover that shit up.) Oh, and they also capture Sam’s parents.
10:21 The diplomat says that maybe its better to hand over Sam. One life lost to save millions works, and the ends justify the means. The military realizes that this means they won’t get to shoot bullets out of their boom sticks, so they say no. See, this shows that they are the good guys.
10:22 John Turturro makes a career mistake by being in this movie. He helps Sam and friends with their quest. After getting a lot of boring explanation from Steve Buscemi on speed (toy car robot), the gang heads to the museum.
10:25 close up on John Tuturro’s ass checks. This was more soul crushing then seeing a sex scene with Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Marisa Tomei. Its like Transformers was trying to put stuff in that no one would like. Black stereotype robots, mothers on PCP, and now John Tuturro’s ass. Why? While this inner monologue goes on in my head, the camera is still focuses on those ass checks. Move on please.
10:30 Jetfire appears. Despite being a robot, he has a beard, a cane, a bad cough, and a bad case of crotchety old man syndrome….he was my favorite character in the movie.
10:31 Toy car Transformer starts humping Megan Fox’s leg. I suppress the anger and instead think “do robots have hormones? Genetalia? Can they reproduce? What does robot semen look like?” I then remembered that I was watching a Michael Bay film and nothing should be expected to make sense. All of a sudden, I become aware that audience members are laughing at the robot humping Mikela’s leg. These are the people who don’t care. These are the people who probably don’t know who Steven Spielberg is. These are the people Rorschach describes. I am in an abattoir full of retarded children.
10:32 Through use of magic, the gang ends up in Egypt, where the symbols Shea LaBullshit saw, told him to go. They need to find a matrix of power that will bring back Optimus.
10:40 I become aware that Leo is still in this movie. There are far to many characters. I pray for a Scorsese elevator scene. Your days are numbered Skids and Mudflap.
10:45 They enter a pyramid and find a wall that has a complex painting on it. Perhaps it’s a puzzle. Or it tells a story telling us where to go next in order to find-…or you could smash the wall in, sure.
10:46 Speaking of smashing walls in, lets check in on the military. Oh, they are flying to Egypt with the body of Optimus Prime to help Sam. Well, at least the diplomat demanded to come along. Maybe if we are lucky, we will get some more words of wisdom (but they are spoken with arrogance, which means we should disregard what he says). Oh it looks like he has something to say, maybe-…they…they snapped…they couldn’t listen to him anymore, and they….they just threw him out of the plane…why? How? What the frick?!
10:50 My suicide attempt failed.
10:55 Sam and friends have found the Matrix, but alas, it turns to dust in his hand. Now what? Well, the deceptacons are coming so they better think fast. They head to a small abandoned town and wait for the military to arrive. Shit gets intense.
10:56 Skids punches a bad guy in the face and says something to the effect of “yeah, get some, yo!”. One seat in front of me, someone laughs, claps his hands and repeats that line. Yes, surely lines involving revealed parentage, offers that cannot be refused, gin joints, and biblical passages are nothing compared to the ultimate one liner “yeah. Get some, yo!”…this movie is a mind castration.
11:00 A 50 Transformer called Devastator is sucking up the ground and grinding it to pieces. Trucks, poles, signs, get destroyed instantly. This looks like the end of Leo here. Come on-…the gods have smiled upon me. For it is not Leo that falls into the belly of the beast, but Mudflap. Michael bay is one of the best directors in the history of cinema. Finally, he has defied the clichés he at first embraced, and has learned to- oh crap, he survived.
11:15 Action action action action action action action action action. And I can’t see whats going on at all. There is literally to much action.
11:17 John Turturro us under Devastator, under two wrecking balls that he refers to as the scrotum…
11:18 did you know that people can actually choke on water?
11:20 Megatron fires a rocket and nearly kills Sam. He smacks the ground and is unconscious…man he looks pretty beat up…I don’t think he’s breathing….dude, Sam’s dead! This is like Nicki and Paulo only 100 times better. Michael Bay, I’m sorry for what I said. I’m sure Optimus will come back, but at least Sam is gone from this. This so-…whats this white light. Is that the sun? why is he standing up again? No. Oh no. It can’t be….it..it can’t be. He..is talking to robots?! Holy shit! HE WENT TO ROBOT HEAVEN?!?!?! Seven people in the theater have brain hemorrhages and die immediately. 12 people suffer the after effects of opening the ark of the covenant. Me, I become completely and entirely unaware if I am dreaming or am in reality. To make sure, I turn to Charlie and make out with him.
11:22 This movie would be so much better if I had just been making out with Charlie the whole time.
11:24 Sam is back to life and so is Optimus. Fallen comes in and steals the Matrix of power. We know this because right after he grabed it he said, and I quote “my matrix!”. Jetfire tells Optimus he can beat Fallen with his parts. Jetfire then rips out his own heart and kills himself (he died for your sins). Optimus prepares for the final epic showdown.
11:24.39 He wins.
11:30 Everyone is happy. Shea LaBass goes to college. Optimus kicks back. Megatron flees. And they all lived hapily ever after. The lights come on. I don’t know what just happened. I kick away the carnage of empty popcorn buckets, and twizler wrappers. I walk out of the theater, as soon as I do, I remember what I forgot. I quickly run back into the theater and boo at the screen, despite being halfway through the credits (and by credits I mean Michael Bay written in green crayon 234 times. )
ANGRY RANT
This was everything Hollywood. It gave into every cliché there is, it had a simplistic story, bland characters, overwhelming pointless action, and stupid dialogue with zero character development. This is Satan in film form. Michael Bay is a whore. He pleased every producer who wanted in on this. And when he wasn’t doing that, he was busy fellating the military to the fullest extent telling us that only boring people talk and bring up valid points; cool people shoot first, and never ask questions. Actions speak far louder than words in this movie, and the words could have been spoken in Wingdings and made more sense.
This movie is pubic hair. That’s what it was. It was ugly, disgusting, it should have been left alone after messing with it one time, it serves no purpose, and yet for some reason everyone keeps it around and tolerates. Hell some people even like it. So what we have to learn- oh also it needed to be cut down in size a lot. So what we need to learn- oh. Only good in small doses. So what we need to realize is that- oh, it serves as nothing but a distraction (I really need to stop).
Dogs humping, hot chick transformer, black stereotype robots, messed up mom, pointless roommate, resurrection, a moral compass that always points to where guns are located, and robot heaven. And Robot Heaven! How does that even happen?!
FINAL THOUGHTS/ RATING
This really is one of the worst movies of all time. It is worse than Year One, and The Contract. In fact, I dislike this movie even more than Batman and Robin. It had some cool action, but did it for all the wrong reasons. Most of the action was bad anyway because I didn’t see what was going on. But then it also tries to have some funnies in there as well, so the movie can’t even take itself seriously. The worst part: this movie has made 850 million dollars and still going! Do you know how much money fight club made at the box office? 34 million! These movies will continue to be made as producers want nothing but money, the average person between the ages of 13-20 just wants to be entertained, and the people who believe that there is still art form, creativity, and meaning in the cinema are going to suffer a terrible fate…God help us all.
Final rating: 1/10
It's difficult in times like these: ideals, dreams and cherished hopes rise within us, only to be crushed by grim reality. It's a wonder I haven't abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart. I simply can't build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery, and death...and yet...I think...this cruelty will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again. –Anne Frank
10:15 Sam hides out with Mikela and Leo, along with Skids and Mudflap two Transformers/ black stereotypes. As I watch these transformers that turn into ice cream trucks, I thought to myself, everyone on board the set of Transformers was good with this. Steven fucking Spielberg, said this was good enough to be seen be the world (then again, he also thought the world wanted to see Shea Labongo team up with Harrison Ford to defeat aliens and English actresses with bad Russian accents…sigh).
10:16 Skids has a gold tooth. I want to hurt something.
10:17 Mudflap called Sam a pussy and then pounded knuckles with Skids. I want to hurt something.
10:18 Skids says they gotta stay safe. Though instead, the words echoing in my head are, “mesah called Jar Jar Binks. Mesah ya humble servant.”…..I want to hurt something.
10:19 Skids and Mudflap admit that they are illiterate. I become curious if Michael Bay showed the same racism with Will Smith and Martin Laurence in Bad Boys.
10:20 Nothing, not even black robots can stand against the Deceptacons and The Fallen. They reveal themselves to the world, and demand that Shea Labaklava be handed over to them. (lets see the government cover that shit up.) Oh, and they also capture Sam’s parents.
10:21 The diplomat says that maybe its better to hand over Sam. One life lost to save millions works, and the ends justify the means. The military realizes that this means they won’t get to shoot bullets out of their boom sticks, so they say no. See, this shows that they are the good guys.
10:22 John Turturro makes a career mistake by being in this movie. He helps Sam and friends with their quest. After getting a lot of boring explanation from Steve Buscemi on speed (toy car robot), the gang heads to the museum.
10:25 close up on John Tuturro’s ass checks. This was more soul crushing then seeing a sex scene with Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Marisa Tomei. Its like Transformers was trying to put stuff in that no one would like. Black stereotype robots, mothers on PCP, and now John Tuturro’s ass. Why? While this inner monologue goes on in my head, the camera is still focuses on those ass checks. Move on please.
10:30 Jetfire appears. Despite being a robot, he has a beard, a cane, a bad cough, and a bad case of crotchety old man syndrome….he was my favorite character in the movie.
10:31 Toy car Transformer starts humping Megan Fox’s leg. I suppress the anger and instead think “do robots have hormones? Genetalia? Can they reproduce? What does robot semen look like?” I then remembered that I was watching a Michael Bay film and nothing should be expected to make sense. All of a sudden, I become aware that audience members are laughing at the robot humping Mikela’s leg. These are the people who don’t care. These are the people who probably don’t know who Steven Spielberg is. These are the people Rorschach describes. I am in an abattoir full of retarded children.
10:32 Through use of magic, the gang ends up in Egypt, where the symbols Shea LaBullshit saw, told him to go. They need to find a matrix of power that will bring back Optimus.
10:40 I become aware that Leo is still in this movie. There are far to many characters. I pray for a Scorsese elevator scene. Your days are numbered Skids and Mudflap.
10:45 They enter a pyramid and find a wall that has a complex painting on it. Perhaps it’s a puzzle. Or it tells a story telling us where to go next in order to find-…or you could smash the wall in, sure.
10:46 Speaking of smashing walls in, lets check in on the military. Oh, they are flying to Egypt with the body of Optimus Prime to help Sam. Well, at least the diplomat demanded to come along. Maybe if we are lucky, we will get some more words of wisdom (but they are spoken with arrogance, which means we should disregard what he says). Oh it looks like he has something to say, maybe-…they…they snapped…they couldn’t listen to him anymore, and they….they just threw him out of the plane…why? How? What the frick?!
10:50 My suicide attempt failed.
10:55 Sam and friends have found the Matrix, but alas, it turns to dust in his hand. Now what? Well, the deceptacons are coming so they better think fast. They head to a small abandoned town and wait for the military to arrive. Shit gets intense.
10:56 Skids punches a bad guy in the face and says something to the effect of “yeah, get some, yo!”. One seat in front of me, someone laughs, claps his hands and repeats that line. Yes, surely lines involving revealed parentage, offers that cannot be refused, gin joints, and biblical passages are nothing compared to the ultimate one liner “yeah. Get some, yo!”…this movie is a mind castration.
11:00 A 50 Transformer called Devastator is sucking up the ground and grinding it to pieces. Trucks, poles, signs, get destroyed instantly. This looks like the end of Leo here. Come on-…the gods have smiled upon me. For it is not Leo that falls into the belly of the beast, but Mudflap. Michael bay is one of the best directors in the history of cinema. Finally, he has defied the clichés he at first embraced, and has learned to- oh crap, he survived.
11:15 Action action action action action action action action action. And I can’t see whats going on at all. There is literally to much action.
11:17 John Turturro us under Devastator, under two wrecking balls that he refers to as the scrotum…
11:18 did you know that people can actually choke on water?
11:20 Megatron fires a rocket and nearly kills Sam. He smacks the ground and is unconscious…man he looks pretty beat up…I don’t think he’s breathing….dude, Sam’s dead! This is like Nicki and Paulo only 100 times better. Michael Bay, I’m sorry for what I said. I’m sure Optimus will come back, but at least Sam is gone from this. This so-…whats this white light. Is that the sun? why is he standing up again? No. Oh no. It can’t be….it..it can’t be. He..is talking to robots?! Holy shit! HE WENT TO ROBOT HEAVEN?!?!?! Seven people in the theater have brain hemorrhages and die immediately. 12 people suffer the after effects of opening the ark of the covenant. Me, I become completely and entirely unaware if I am dreaming or am in reality. To make sure, I turn to Charlie and make out with him.
11:22 This movie would be so much better if I had just been making out with Charlie the whole time.
11:24 Sam is back to life and so is Optimus. Fallen comes in and steals the Matrix of power. We know this because right after he grabed it he said, and I quote “my matrix!”. Jetfire tells Optimus he can beat Fallen with his parts. Jetfire then rips out his own heart and kills himself (he died for your sins). Optimus prepares for the final epic showdown.
11:24.39 He wins.
11:30 Everyone is happy. Shea LaBass goes to college. Optimus kicks back. Megatron flees. And they all lived hapily ever after. The lights come on. I don’t know what just happened. I kick away the carnage of empty popcorn buckets, and twizler wrappers. I walk out of the theater, as soon as I do, I remember what I forgot. I quickly run back into the theater and boo at the screen, despite being halfway through the credits (and by credits I mean Michael Bay written in green crayon 234 times. )
ANGRY RANT
This was everything Hollywood. It gave into every cliché there is, it had a simplistic story, bland characters, overwhelming pointless action, and stupid dialogue with zero character development. This is Satan in film form. Michael Bay is a whore. He pleased every producer who wanted in on this. And when he wasn’t doing that, he was busy fellating the military to the fullest extent telling us that only boring people talk and bring up valid points; cool people shoot first, and never ask questions. Actions speak far louder than words in this movie, and the words could have been spoken in Wingdings and made more sense.
This movie is pubic hair. That’s what it was. It was ugly, disgusting, it should have been left alone after messing with it one time, it serves no purpose, and yet for some reason everyone keeps it around and tolerates. Hell some people even like it. So what we have to learn- oh also it needed to be cut down in size a lot. So what we need to learn- oh. Only good in small doses. So what we need to realize is that- oh, it serves as nothing but a distraction (I really need to stop).
Dogs humping, hot chick transformer, black stereotype robots, messed up mom, pointless roommate, resurrection, a moral compass that always points to where guns are located, and robot heaven. And Robot Heaven! How does that even happen?!
FINAL THOUGHTS/ RATING
This really is one of the worst movies of all time. It is worse than Year One, and The Contract. In fact, I dislike this movie even more than Batman and Robin. It had some cool action, but did it for all the wrong reasons. Most of the action was bad anyway because I didn’t see what was going on. But then it also tries to have some funnies in there as well, so the movie can’t even take itself seriously. The worst part: this movie has made 850 million dollars and still going! Do you know how much money fight club made at the box office? 34 million! These movies will continue to be made as producers want nothing but money, the average person between the ages of 13-20 just wants to be entertained, and the people who believe that there is still art form, creativity, and meaning in the cinema are going to suffer a terrible fate…God help us all.
Final rating: 1/10
It's difficult in times like these: ideals, dreams and cherished hopes rise within us, only to be crushed by grim reality. It's a wonder I haven't abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart. I simply can't build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery, and death...and yet...I think...this cruelty will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again. –Anne Frank
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