I Can Do Bad All By Myself (Spoilers)

In the beginning, there was The Great Train Robbery. This was the first film created and was the beginning of something epic. Something that I want to be a part of. Something magnificent, creative, interesting, and unique. I talk of course about the film industry. Now as the years went on, people realized the potential for artistically expressing a story through the narrative of film. There was Citizen Cane, and Cassablanca. There were Alfred Hitchcocks and Stanley Kubricks and Martin Scorceses and Quentin Tarintinos. Then eventually there was an idea. Movies=Monies. Some credit this idea to the Terminators who went back in time and took over many corporations and replaced all people with heartless robots (Ironically enough, James Cameron has, in many ways, been responsible for the terminators because of Titanic, which remains the highest-grossing-film of all time.) Regardless, films began playing to audiences, which was good because they were entertaining people. Then they started to eliminate originality and just threw something that would put people in the seats. This is one thing that I really hate. Transformers 2 was the epitome of this idea.
Now for the twist. Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself isn’t like those movies in the least. (I know!) See, the first paragraph was just to give you an idea of what bad movies are for the most part. This movie is on the opposite side of the spectrum. Tyler Perry isn’t whoring himself out in the way I thought before I saw this movie. Sure, he is making easy jokes, and is a black director making black exploitation movies but its more than that. Tyler Perry tries hard to convey an inspiring story of change for the better and the good in people prevailing over greed and selfishness. That being said…It is, in many ways, worse than Transformers 2.
That’s right. Let those words sink in. Have they stained your soul yet? Just read that sentence over until your spirit is thoroughly broken. In terms of my standards for what films deserve to be, and how they should be treated, sure, Transformers 2 is a crime against humanity since it is unoriginal, stupid, pointless, violent, and did nothing other than try to make money. However, when a movie decides that it is going to be a unique and special story, on its own, with no help from Hollywood, I am very upset when it comes out looking like this movie. Its like a situation where there are two students. One student is idiotic, immature and could have written his report but instead just smoked weed, watched porn, and slept for 15 hours (and the worst part is that people like him). The other student is bright, and shows great effort in class and cares about his work but then wrote a paper just as bad as Stoner McJackoff. I feel less upset with the kid who is lazy and just doesn’t have the brain capacity to write a good paper, than with the student who could have written an excellent paper. ICDBABM is the latter of the two students. Don’t push the metaphor to far though. I am not saying Tyler Perry has the potential to make good movies. I’m saying that he wants to be unique and do things himself, and he tries very hard, but the movies he makes just suck.
It was unoriginal, not funny, dull, pointless and just frustrating. This movie is so stupid, so ridiculous, so immensely unsatisfying, I found myself thinking how? How could Tyler Perry have had 2 box office hits in one year that were essentially the same movie. Madea’s family Reunion made more money than Watchmen did! Have you lost faith in humanity yet?
I will do my best to remain calm and collected throughout this review, though no guarantees can be made. Here it is; one of the worst movies of the decade: I Can Do Bad All By Myself.
STORY
The movie opens on the famous Tyler Perry character, Madea. Madea is put in almost every Tyler Perry movie and she always will make people pay money to see the garbage, and all the movies she is not in is a box office flop (Did you see The Family That Preys? I didn’t think so). So Madea is in bed and wakes up to a sound in her kitchen. She finds that three children (played by 3 unpleasant actors) are trying to rob her. She sits them down and finds out that their mother is dead and their grandmother never came home, and they only have one other relative, a girl named April (Taraji P. Henson). April works at a club and in her spare time enjoys drinking, having sex with married men, drinking, sleeping, yelling at people, and drinking again (her and Stoner McJackoff would make a lovely couple). April reluctantly allows the kids to stay with her. Eventually a Man named Sandino ( played by Adam “Seriously-this-is-the-bes

t-actor-Mexico-has-to-offer” Rodriguez) is sent by the church to help April around the house (the stench of an inevitable romance can be smelt from a mile away). From this point on, the movie just sorta tossed a bunch of events together and prayed that they made sense. April’s mother dies, the kids are upset, especially the girl who looks after her two younger brothers. Madea just sorta shows up every so often. The man April is seeing suddenly has very lustful thoughts for the girl (yes, that 16 year-old girl). April changes her ways, but then changes her mind about changing her ways, and re-changes her ways after that... Also the movie just decided to become a musical…trust me, you don’t even want me to talk about the writing in this “film”.
CHARACTERS
Taraji P. Henson as April: Henson is a talented actress in my opinion (though all of her work I’ve seen is this movie, Smokin Aces and her 5 minutes in Benjamin Button) though in this movie, the dialogue and 2-dimensional character of April makes it relatively difficult for her to give an amazing performance. Words like loathe, disdain, hatred, and anger don’t even begin to describe my feelings for this character (and I should point out that this is a compliment since I was surprised Tyler Perry made me have feelings of any kind for his characters). She changes without reason, she starts off as pure evil for no reason, and is impossible to feel sorry for her. This is one of the main problems with this movie. A main character that can’t be relatable, likable, or tolerable.
Adam Rodriguez as Sandino: Congratulations to this man for outdoing all other performances in blandness, worthlessness and leaving an impression the size of a shriveled pea (That is the strangest metaphor I have ever made…I don’t know why I wrote that. That was just…silly). This character is not likable for the opposite reason April is. Sandino is depicted as Jesus. Not Jesus-like, but just Jesus. He does not wrong, he doesn’t change, he is kind to everybody, and the only reason people listened to him was because of his six-pack abs. Rodriguez is a terrible actor, and I would ever go so far as to say that he is the male equivalent of a megan fox.
Tyler Perry as Joe and Madea: These creations of Mr. Perry are considered funny. These unoriginal, stereotypical, violent, unlikable people are considered funny. Do not want.
The three children: the girl- she’s pretty much the same as April except she cares about two people; her brothers. Apart from that, she’s kinda the same. She’s mean, selfish, and like most characters in the movie, has a moral compass that points in only one direction. Fat kid-he has one line of dialogue and it is the most laughable thing ever. Little kid- I have nothing against this kid. Hell, he just might be the best actor in this movie.
Brian White as Randy: No. Not “RAAAAANDY”. Randy. The man made out of concentrated evil. He isn’t an antagonist, he is Satin, and the movie makes that abundantly clear. Whenever he speaks, the most overly-ominous music plays in the background. Every word he says hints that he wishes to rape or kill something in the near future…also he becomes a pedophile 30 minutes in. Now this may sound ridiculous because...well, it is. I can’t really say much on the actor, because the character was so damn distracting. I guess he was good but I just can’t talk about him anymore.
TO MAKE THINGS CLEARER
Now, from what I’ve described so far has shown that the movie isn’t anything amazing, the characters are terrible, and the story makes the opposite of sense. It’s a very simple story with a happy ending and everything is ok in the end. Usual bullshit, nothing new is brought to the table, so therefore the movie should be around a 3. Not the worst thing, but not the best. But Tyler Perry’s decisions as a director drag this down even more. Forget the crapping characters, crappy writing, and crappy story. The actions in this movie are so…senseless I must further explain. I have compiled a list of 10 Moments that were so ridiculous, they made me laugh out loud in the theater and I was yelled at by others who were there to enjoy the movie. One lady got pissed off at my friend, who’s laughter was even worse, and she told him “he should shut the hell up and maybe he’ll learn something”. Now I am big on respect and I have to say that this person was completely justified in the first clause of her sentence. The second clause made her lose all credibility.(She also didn’t say please or asked us to be quiet). Regardless of the fact that these people liked the movie, and disliked us, I must show you the truth. So here are the top 10 whatthefuckmovie? Moments
Medea…why?: I should preface this by saying that Madea did have a funny moment in the movie. There is one part where she is trying to explain a Bible passage and screws up the story. That was mildly amusing. Now then, I hate this character. She is used as a stereotype to get laughs (which I think is one of the lowest of lows. Take some notes Michael Bay you cracker-ass hate monger)
She died!: Ok, this one has to do with acting, and this was the thing that got me some glares. The minister comes to April’s home and the audience can obviously guess at this point that the mother is dead. They walk in with a package, and sit April down. She asks where her mother is and the priest responds in the most over-dramatic voice “she died!” this alone made me laugh. I tried to gain control because I don’t want to disturb the people watching the movie. They the priest explains how her mother suffered a brain hemorrhage. The dialogue was so odd and uncomfortable and I was about ready to burst into tears of laughter. And then he pretty much says “oh by the way. This package we brought. They are her remains. She was cremated. Bye now.” This made me lol.
Ass zapping: This is one of the worst shot scenes. Ever. Let me paint a picture. Randy just tried to rape Jennifer. He claims she tried to pay him to have sex with her and she’s like “he tried to rape me”. April talks to Randy who is taking a bath. This dialogue happens
A: What happened?
R: I told you baby.
A: What happened Randy?
R: I told you what happened.
A: What did you do?
R: I didn’t do anything baby.
A: What happened?
R: I told you, she tried to offer me money to have sex with her.
A: What happened?
R: Baby? I told you.
She then leaves for a moment and comes back carrying a radio. Shit just got intense. Now I am actually interested in what will happen here. She Dangles the radio over the tub and demands that he tells the truth. She continues to shout at him and Sandino tries to talk her out of murder. She finally is overcome with anger and drops the radio. Randy tries to leap out of the tub, but one foot doesn’t get out in time and we then witness about 5 seconds of his ass jumping up, down, left, and right all over the screen, shattering any tension in the scene that was created.
Rousseau/Hobbs: This further explains the deplorable dialogue that is constantly dribbled out of the mouths of these scum and vermin (who discuss their heroine and child pornography). Every single conversation that takes place between Sandino and April, Sandino and Jennifer (little girl), and Jennifer and April can be boiled down to the single sentence arguments of the philosophers Rousseau and Hobbs. Every conversation is “man is generally good” “No. Bad is generally corrupt and evil and power driven” “love” “hate” “optimism” “realism”. This goes on for almost 2 hours. This explains why the characters are so dull. They just repeat one line over and over again. And when they change they just say “…yeah. Your right. Man is generally good”. The conversations are never brought anywhere. Now some people argue that the movie’s dialogue is realistic and should be praised for originality. 1) realistic dialogue is often insightful, or funny. 2) Tarintino and Kevin Smith write realistic dialogue. And they have likable characters to back it up. 3) Real people have a reason to say what they say, and they don’t just repeat themselves for 2 hours. 4) When people change, they do so for a reason. Like something amazing or terrible happens to them or they meet someone special or something. Anything!
Minister singing: I very rarely state that movies are “too long” in fact all the best movies are longer ones. Pulp fiction, Boogie Nights, There Will Be Blood, The Dark Knight, Inglourious Basterds, and Braveheart are all at least 2 and a half hours. But this movie was looooooong. One of the contributing factors was that every scene that takes place in the church is just 10 minutes of the priest singing. What does this accomplish?: nothing. Does it change anything in the story: not really.
Continuity fail: Again, I very rarely complain about continuity errors in movies, but this was just stupidity to the highest degree. Scene: Woman wearing red dress in club on stage with band singing. Cuts briefly to April. Cut back. Scene: same girl, same song, but now blue dress, different background, different club, different audience, and a different freaking band! How does one get away with something like that. And its not like it was intentional either, because there was dialogue occurring before song, and then after its over, the woman gets off stage and continues her dialogue with the other character. This is just not fair!
Jesus to pedophile: Pedophilia is not a joking matter. It is also very difficult to handle in a movie. This movie can’t even handle a scene where a woman sings, do you think they can take on child rape? Randy is depicted as the greatest guy in the world, but then he sees Jenifer and within 5 seconds just devolves into Beelzebub. Why? Why the sudden interest? Tell me movie. Tell me! Explain! Then later in the movie, April, for nowhere, makes the accusation that Sandino must also be a child molester because he’s “so nice and good to children”. She actually says that he is so nice, he must rape children….just…I don’t get it.
Pedophile to jesus: About 5 minutes later, She apologizes to Sandino and thoroughly makes out with him. Then they get married and sing and dance and adopt the kids and they all live as a happy family for ever. Oh no, I hope I didn’t spoil the movie for you.
Musical minus fun: This movie is a musical. It has many musical numbers that make up about 40 minutes of the movie. However, these songs are all pointless, but are made to seem to have purpose as every time the song ends, a character is changed through…magic? Regardless, the songs suck, and a already touched upon the horrid church preaching songs.
Brain hemorrhage montage: This is hilarious and I feel like a terrible person for laughing at this. In one of the many musical numbers, the scene cuts to April’s mother (this is the only time she is in the film) and we watch her get on the bus. The camera focuses on her as we WATCH HER HAVE A BRAIN HEMORRHAGE AND DIE! This is supposed to be an emotional moment, but the way its shot is just hilarious. Death is not funny. Death to cinematic quality is even less funny. Knowing that you paid 10 dollars and 2 hours of your life to suffer through this: priceless laughter. There are some things money should not be spent on.
Too Much Optimism: now at this point, I’m entertaining the idea of suicide using nothing but a straw and an empty bag of M&M’s. But then the movie wraps up, and boy if they could make this story any fluffier. The movie teaches us that faith in Jesus (not Sandino. The real Jesus) heals all and makes things better (putting my views on religion aside, that’s just plain fucking stupid). It teaches us that everyone is good (putting my views on morality aside, that’s more optimistic than every Disney movie ending ever). And it teaches us that kindness will make the world a better place. (there is something I agree with. The only problem is that PEOPLE CAN’T JUST TURN INTO PEACEMAKERS OVER THE COURSE OF A HEMORRHAGE MONTAGE!
OVERALL
This movie is painfully bad, and might be the worst movie of the decade. Though I think Transformers 2 is a worse movie, I would rather watch it than this movie. Its brainless, odd, pointless, and overall is like the blood stain on my carpet. It’s a mess that you can never clean up because the guilt will remain with you, and nothing about it is funny, and nothing about it makes you understand what it means to be a good person (also someone died). This movie is bad. Some of the worst writing, worst acting, worst directing I’ve ever seen.
Mr. Perry I would like to challenge you in a battle to the pain. I’ll explain, and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand you warthog-faced buffoon. To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankle, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose. The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right. But your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be your to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out “dear god, what is that thing” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what “to the pain” means. It means I leave you in anguish. Wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Final rating:1/10