How to Train Your Ass to Kick-Dragons in 5D

There are two movies playing in theaters right now that I thought deserved a review together. After all, these are two very similar movies. I of course am referring to Dreamwork’s “How to Train Your Dragon” and the Independent superhero film, “Kick-Ass”. First, take a look at the similarities.

HTTYD: Opens on a city that is wrought with crime and destruction.
Kick-Ass: Opens on a city that is wrought with crime and destruction.
HTTYD: Protagonist is a typical nerd who wants to help make the city safe. (by killing dragons)
Kick-Ass: Protagonist is a typical nerd who wants to help make the city safe. (by killing drug-dealers)
HTTYD: Craig Ferguson as a Viking warrior.
Kick-Ass: Craig Ferguson as Craig Ferguson.
HTTYD: Jonah Hill.
HTTYD: Nick Cage.
HTTYD: Empowers women by having a female character that is not just the love interest, but a powerful warrior.
Kick-Ass: Empowers women by having an 11 year-old girl fuck up people’s shit with swords.
HTTYD: Teaches us that everything we thought we knew about dragons was wrong.
Kick-Ass: Teaches us that everything we thought we knew about anything was wrong.
HTTYD: Gerard Butler is king of the Vikings.
Kick-Ass: Nick Cage is Batman.
HTTYD: Mother died early in the protagonist’s life of some unknown cause.
Kick-Ass: Mother died of a brain aneurysm at the breakfast table; the second funniest scene in cinema that has a mother dying of a brain aneurysm. (The first being the bus scene in I Can Do Bad All By Myself.)
HTTYD: Protagonist tries to hide his secret, leading his father to believe his son is the best dragon fighter ever.
Kick-Ass: Protagonist tries to hide his secret, leading his friends to believe he is a gay prostitute.
HTTYD: The first hour leads us to believe that violence is never the answer. The last half hour forgets that.
Kick-Ass: The first half hour leads us to believe that violence is never the answer. The next hour- oh my God there’s so much blood!
HTTYD: Christopher Mintz-Plasse plays an incompetent warrior.
Kick-Ass: Christopher Mintz-Plasse plays an incompetent superhero.
HTTYD: Fighting dragons brings a father and his son together.
Kick-Ass: Committing murder brings a father and his daughter together.
HTTYD: Masquerades as a comedy with some spectacular looking action sequences, but contains subtle messages supporting extermination of others, as well as anarchy based on its idea of nonconformity that it bashes into its audiences heads. Its blatant disregard for any and all societal norms, laws or systems of government seemed reminiscent of Fight Club or a Clockwork Orange (and look at how that turned out). It was controversial because not only did it condone violence, it had children committing said violence and only showing the positives that come from it. It ostracizes the men of reason who want peace and idolizes the barbaric hordes that massacre the innocent who wanted nothing more than to live in peace. Despite the fact that all of those poor unfortunate souls only attack to defend themselves, their families, their country, and their liberty from the tyrannical oppressive forces that invade their land, they must turn for protection from yet another brute force that controls them, only increasing the consolidation of power for those who act only on violence and murder. The supposed heroes of this piece of cinema break into the homes of these people, and cause massive amounts of destruction and death without bothering to consider the circumstances, which leads to all out war, which just furthers the system of oppression that no one supports, but everyone lives under.
Kick-Ass: Things go boom.

Now it is understandable that you, the foolish viewer, is now unable to tell the difference between these two films, but I will try to help you out.

How To Train Your Dragon is the story of a boy named Hiccup, who lives in the time when Irish Vikings fought dragons (the 1970’s). His father, the king of the Vikings, Stoic the Vast (who, as my friend pointed out, is illogical as it is two adjectives) is disappointed with him because he’s weak and is American, and he wishes that he could be a normal teenage Viking boy, who kills dragons, plunders caves and masturbated to pictures of battle axes. Hiccup, not wanting to let his father down, tries to catch a dragon. He succeeds in catching a Night Fury (which is as rare as catching a stupid Chansey in the stupid Safari Zone using just stupid bait and stupid safari balls.) Anyway, after seeing the dragon, Hiccup can’t kill it, and instead starts to befriend it. Thus begins his need to become a closeted pacifist, and to help dragons and understand them. However, in order to fit in with the Vikings, and win the heart of the girl he likes, he continues his dragon fighting classes. As he learns about dragons, he is able to use his knowledge to make it look like he is the best dragon fighter around. While doing this, he learns to fly the Night Fury, which he names Toothless, which is stupid because he has teeth. It’s not even ironic. It’s just false. At any rate, they are good friends and they do adventures and stuff.
The film is a nice change for Dreamworks. They seem to be a big fan of making bad movies, but this was a big change of pace. It is safe to say that this is Dreamworks best animated film (better than Shrek, Kung-Fu Panda, and Saving Private Ryan). The characters do the job they are supposed to, but most animated movies have one-dimensional characters (Get it?! Cause the movie is in 3D! Whoa. I just…I just need a moment to recover from that one. Wow.) But the movie is funny, and the animation looks really nice. I don’t really have much to say, but its good.
Kick-Ass is a comic-book movie/ homage to comic-book movies/ parody of comic-book movies that is badass.

The movie is about a boy named Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson), a nerdy high-school kid, who decides that there is no reason that superheroes shouldn’t be a reality, so he gives it a try himself. Dave proceeds to get shanked and hit by car. (A better first day than Dr. Strange. People just laughed at him for 6 hours.) After a while in the hospital, Dave continues his quest. The girl that he likes, hears the rumor that he is gay, but rather than being ignored, Dave decides to be her “gay friend”. Also he and his friends are anti-social nerds. Also he sucks at everything he tries to do. Also the friendly neighborhood drug-dealers want him dead. Also, he is awkward and Jewish. He’s like a Woody Allen character.

While all of this is going on, a father daughter team of superheroes (Nick Cage and Chloë Grace Moretz) called Big Daddy and Hit-Girl, are trying to take down crime boss Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong). They befriend Kick-Ass and want him to help them in their quest for freedom, justice, and some other shit. Fact of the matter is, they kill a lot of people.

The first thing that needs to be addressed about this movie is the controversy looming over it. People (and by “people” I mean the group that tends to watch Fox News, be old, or be part of the Tea Party (a.k.a. lizardfolk)) have been saying that the movie is morally reprehensible for having a little girl kill oodles of people. Even renowned film critic/ lion tamer Roger Ebert gave the film one star out of four saying that “the movie went into dark dark territory and I grew sad”. Now in my humble opinion (that is far more important that yours) violent movies are just movies, and short of being blatant propaganda for murder, shouldn’t be hated or discriminated against. Also, it is important to note that this movie really doesn’t preach violence any more than How to Train Your Dragon. Let’s take a look.

In How to Train Your Dragon, Vikings attack dragons in order to protect their city. They want to live in peace, so they need to eliminate the problem. Several brave Vikings are the only ones who can stop the dragons, but that isn’t enough. So they work with their children, and teach them how to also kill dragons. Only difference is that where the dragons just wanted a hug, the drug dealers preferred drugs.

Or how about another superhero: Iron Man. Tony Stark is a weapons dealer who now wants to rid the world of weapons. He doesn’t do this by hugging his enemies. He does it by murder. He blows up a tank, killing several people, just so he can do a cool looking walk away from a massive explosion. But this ok because he is an adult, and he kills bad people, and they don’t show much blood. In Kick-Ass, Nick Cage plays Damon Macready, a cop who is set up by corrupt cops and goes to prison. His wife, unable to support herself and the child she is pregnant with since the loss of her husband, takes her own life (though her daughter, Mindy, survives). Now, Damon is after revenge against the man who made this all happen: Frank D’Amico; who is a drug dealer, a murderer and a plague on the city. He tells his daughter this, and she wants to help as well. Most of the scenes we get between the two show them having a normal father/daughter relationship. They go to the bowling alley, get ice cream, learn from each other. (and occasional homicide). The relationship between Damon and Mindy is far more important than the violence they commit, and considerably more justifiable than Stark’s motives. And it’s not like the movie praises this as the best way one can possibly raise a child. Damon’s friend tells him that he is going to get him and his daughter killed, and at the very least, is destroying her innocence and her childhood. And the violence they commit has consequences. Violent behavior and a need for revenge is not a flawless plan, and good people pay the price. If people are going to be critical of violence, be critical of ones that dismiss it, like all of those blockbusters you enjoy so much. How about X-Men Origins Wolverine? Yes, people unanimously agree that the movie sucks, but that is because of bad writing, stupid plot, and a whole mess of underdeveloped, dead characters. Logan wants revenge, and all it costs him are the loss of his wife, two nice old folks who live on a farm, a couple of scientists, a few Canadians, and some of his best friends. However, there are no real consequences because he wants to kill a bad guy. And then there is the critically acclaimed Pixar film, Up. (Spoilers). Charles Muntz is trying to capture the legendary bird (for clarification, that’s Kevin the snipe. Not Zapdos the Power Plant demon). Anyway, he tries to capture it, but falls off his blimp, falling to his death. Antagonist defeated, and everyone wins. Except for the fact that Carl watched his childhood hero die, a child watched a person die and no doubt would suffer significant psychological damage, and all of that man’s dogs just lost their owner. Now I’m not saying that Wolverine and Up are bad movies for this reason. I’m saying that criticism over portraying violent behavior is really fucking stupid. A good movie isn’t about violence, but why violence happens. Zack Snyder (director of Dawn of the Dead, 300, Watchmen) is often criticized for “having too much violence”. His response has been that he shows all of violence, both the actions and the consequences, which are massive and effect far more then the two people engaged. Ultimately, people are far to critical of this point. Many people complain about the violence, but don’t see the movie, and thus don’t see the reason for the violence. The judgments tend to already be made. Religious groups protested Hamlet 2 for having a song “Rock Me Sexy Jesus”. In the movie, when they perform the song, there are religious groups protesting at the stage. Maybe if people saw the film first, they wouldn’t give Hamlet the satisfaction of predicting their move. People protested Tropic Thunder for making jokes about people with mental disabilities. Now these people protested, because the group that was being offended couldn’t stand up for themselves…I am baffled by this. People protested Avatar because there were no gay people in the film…I have noticed that no straight people are protesting Glee, but hey, what’s the difference? (About 90% of America’s population and 1.4 million dollars)

Even those who criticize after seeing the movie (like the great Mr. Ebert) do nothing by saying a film is bad because it disagrees with their morals. I'm not down with the fucking moral turpitude of Kill Bill (if killing 88 people in 5 minutes is considered moral turpitude), but it’s still one of my favorite movies. And the same goes for other things. Just because Dora the Explora isn’t afraid to tell the world that stealing is wrong, but that doesn’t make it the show to put on a pedestal. It’s still shit. Does Kick-ass win any merit badges? No…no. fuck no. no. So many no’s. No x10000. No so hard. But it is an entertaining, smart, funny, and awesome movie. Now then, let’s get back to the review.

The film is over the top in terms of action and comedy, but that is exactly what makes this movie work. The whole thing isn’t really a parody of superhero movies, but more a demented cousin to the genre. The one that sits in the corner at Thanksgiving dinner, sharpening a stick, muttering to himself “I’m gonna do it” over and over again (Ian Deming). The movie works as crazy, but it does from time to time, make the mistake of going to far, or pulling back to much. It occasionally makes no sense, and sometimes, feels the random need to stay grounded in reality. It doesn’t really stick with either, but switches back and forth. Like, there are times when they try and get the audience to believe a sincere romance with a character that we watched masturbate to his English teacher an hour ago, and then there are times that it believes the audience won’t ask questions when the character uses a weapon more implausible than the plot to Sister Act 2. (No offense Whoopi.) But at the end of it, I didn’t ask questions. This movie transcends the problem of foolish things like reality. It is too damn enjoyable to question, so I just went along for the ride. It was a considerably more fun ride than Splash Mountain. Why, Br’er Rabbit? Why…?

But going back to masturbation, there were a lot of unnecessary scenes in this movie. I was expecting a random dance number in the middle. (and by expecting I mean praying for, and by praying for, I mean relived that it happened). But I would have appreciated a bit more exposition and character development rather than masturbation session and a full half hour starring into Nick Cage’s cold dead eyes…

As far as the acting goes, its pretty solid. Johnson is good as the lead role besides the fact that he really isn’t the lead role. Hit girl is the character with the story arch, the most conflict, and is the real hero. She gets like, 70% of all the action in the movie. Kick-Ass’ conflict just seems to be over by the end of the first half of the movie, because he’s kind of a sucky hero. Hit-girl has more ambitious plans than taking kittens down from trees and moves the story along. Red Mist serves as a good supporting character and as for Big Daddy: words cannot describe how awesome Nick Cage’s performance was. Now I’m going to describe his performance in words. Cage gives an amazing performance, using his abilities in the best possible way (except his laser-vision…and his ability to shape shift…ok, Cage repressed some of his greatest talents in this movie.) I firmly believe that Cage tends to understand only two roles: insane beyond belief and emotionless. Now, misusing these two acting techniques results in things like Ghost Rider, The Wickerman, and Con Air. Using them properly results in Lord of War, Kick-Ass, and Sister Act 2. Its easy to see an insane killer one moment, and a caring father the next. He is funny, but is one of the few characters that we legitimately care about. I have to say it: this is Nick Cage’s performance of the decade. Big Daddy is probably the only character that can be taken seriously and also spout obscenities like a knave who has just lost his property to the king...wait, where am I?

To sum up: Kick-Ass is probably the most fun someone can have with a superhero movie. The action were amazing, the cast is great, the dialogue is funny, and the whole thing is over the top and epic. The only thing somewhat limiting was it’s budget, but I’d rather see a 20 million version of Kick-Ass, then a 100 million version that is the Crystal Skull to this Raiders of the Lost Ark. It’s an amazing creation, and worth anything just to see it. Just like that fucking Chansey.
Dragon: 8/10
Kick-Ass: 8/10

Date Night

Date Night
Fact: Steve Carell is cool. Cooler than you. He could take your dad in a fight.
Fact: Tiny Fey is the second funniest woman in television (the first being Megyn Kelly of Fox News) and she too could take your dad in a fight.
Unfortunately, what tends to happen in PG-13 comedies is that they get brought down by unoriginal jokes and clichés, and Date Night suffers from that. However, for all the usual jokes and predictable plot points, the movie still had some originality to it, and had endless material provided by Odin and Rindr (the original names of the Norse gods Carell and Fey).
So the plot is simple (Which is good for a comedy. Most comedies with a plot as complex as The Prestige deserve to get hit in the face.) A married couple feels like they are unhappy with their life. (hehe. Starting to sound like an Ian Deming movie.) So they feel like, in order to break the boring cycle they are falling into, and to end up happier than the people they are surrounded by, they need to make some sort of drastic change to their life (Oh shit, it’s an Ian Deming movie. My film is an original movie like Ice Ice Baby is an original song.) So this middle-aged couple (oh, thank god.) decide to eat at a fancy restaurant, but in order to get in, take someone’s reservation (Ok. We’re steering clear now.) There, they meet will I am (damn it! Back to the drawing board!) and are having a jolly good time, until two bad guys mistake them for the people who made the reservation. As a result, the two are brought to a big-time drug dealer and immediately executed-nope nope. Sorry, that’s my movie. Keep getting them confused. Anyway, they escape and flee for their lives, trying to figure out who the “Triplehorns” are, and why they are trying to be killed. They are assisted by Mark Walberg and a police officer played by Taraji P. Henson, bravely showing her face after I can Do Bad All By My- Oh shit, I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding out my ears. Blood shouldn’t come out of there!...anyway, they couple needs to make everything better and, on the side, also make sure that their marriage isn’t falling apart. It’s just like the plot to I Can Do Ba-……………………………….
I’ve had mixed feelings about this movie, and having them all summarized in an essay format for a review is no fun. So instead, I present to you, my three views of Date Night, presented by three different Ians.
Pre-Movie (Pessimistic Hateful Emo Ian)
This whole thing is so stupid. Who wants to watch a movie about a couple of people who have lived past their interesting years, trying to do something interesting. That movie doesn’t reflect the reality of the world. (To clarify: the reality of the world is that people don’t really love each other and couples don’t have fun trying to respark their live. They have divorce, murder/suicide, or settling. We’ll all die alone in this dark world and that’s why comedy is always bad.) This movie was made for like, people in their 40’s and children. This movie clearly has no originality and just wants to make a quick buck because its part of the heartless producer’s plan to herd all of these sheep into the theater, and butcher them with what they call entertainment. Fuck this, I’m seeing How To Train Your Dragon...Fuck this, I’m going home to watch Requiem for a Dream while I write sonnets of my former love that is now dead: quality movies.
During-Movie ( Skeptical Pretentious Arrogant Critic Ian)
Oh, gee, I wonder if something will go wrong with their initial plan. I wonder if he makes a joke here. I wonder if this is the part where the two take a dramatic moment. I wonder if this will all work out in the end. Ok, the problem is that this movie is doing everything every comedy does. They stopped to have a dramatic scene by pulling over, despite the fact that there are people trying to kill them. Oh, so you have a car chase, unoriginal jokes, gunfights, and a shirtless Mark Warburg. If this isn’t every comedy, action, softcore porn movie I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what is. How about a comedy that isn’t afraid to take risks and do something different. This is just a stupid comedy for stupid people who think this stupid shit is funny. I’m going to go home and blog about my intellectual superiority and why us few enlightened people see why this film is for fools. The only thing I find funny is that the movie is about two people who take something boring and try to make it interesting, but are failing miserably, reflecting the nature of the movie itself. Snicker snicker.
After-Movie (Frighteningly Optimistic yet Reasonable Ian)
Well, that movie made me laugh, probably more because of the actors than the actual movie, but all the same, the jokes were funny. The movie was different from other comedies I’ve seen, and did a lot despite its limitations (being a PG-13, somewhat family friendly movie). I’m going to go home and share with the world the greatness of Date Night.
Overall
I did have a bias against this film going in, and I can’t say that the movie won me over in the end, but all the same, the movie did it’s job and made me laugh. Carell and Fey are believable (which is important even in comedies. I’ll just say American History X wasn’t laugh less because of the writing or plot (Hope you’re listening Ed Norton)) Mark Walberg is funny and shirtless, a feat I thought only Sean Connery could accomplish, and although the movie had painful clichés, some parts of the movie were filled with lulz. The movie should also get credit for an action scene that takes place, were two cars are stuck together and the drivers try to work together to escape the bad guys. That scene was pretty cool, and original. But what really makes the movie something great is the performance of Mark Ruffalo- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AAAAAha. AAAAAAha. AAAAHHAAHHAAAAHHAAHHAAAHAHAHAHA! hehehehehahahahaHAHAHAHA! Ehhe. Hehe. No but really, what I liked most was the improvisation and performance and Steve Carell and Tina Fey. Without them, this would probably be less than some B movie.
However, there are nitpicks.
1) The movie was shot in digital. As a result, I couldn’t see what was going on because every chase scene was blurry. And not like, Bourne Trilogy blurry, but it was annoying all the same.
2) Why is Mark Ruffalo in this movie? It’s not even a cameo, he just shows up, says the only depressing lines in the movie, then leaves. Why? This man has a career. What is he doing here? I don’t have a big problem with him being in the movie. It’s just…confusing.
3) Some jokes sucked…It happens.
4) Mark Walberg is constantly without a shirt in this film, but is always wearing pants. This is a problem. You are Marky-Mark. Become who you were born to be!
I don’t have much to say about this movie, and I’m just neutral to just about everything in this movie. It wasn’t particularly memorable, it wasn’t a bad way to spend an hour and a half. Most points go to He-Man Carell and She-Ra Fey. Overall, Date Night is a movie that will give you several laughs, but does have its fair share of stupid and clichés.
Final Rating: 6/10
P.S. The Prestige is a comedy, right?

The Blind Side

Blind Side a.k.a The White Man’s Burden

I normally review movies when they first hit theaters, but this movie is special, and I feel that I must present my message on this film.

The Blind Side is a total failure in terms of quality and a great success in terms of effectiveness and the only thing that matters, the box office. The fact of the matter though, is that this “film” is a tame, family-friendly, white-friendly, and completely fake film. (Like Hillary Clinton’s smile.) The story could not be more bright and innocent if they replaced all the actors with cartoon woodland critters. Sandra Bullock uses a southern accent as annoying as Keanu Reeves accent in…anything. And finally the writing is constructed of nothing my catchphrases and one-liners. (It’s like hearing Link say “Excuuuuuuse me, Princess.” Over and over again for two hours.)

First thing is first. This movie was nominated for best picture. Not really much I can say about that. The academy is stupid. Let’s move on. Oh wait, Sandra Bullock won for best actress. How do you get away with that? That has to be a crime. She didn’t just win the Oscar either. She won the Critic’s Choice Award as well as the People’s Choice Award as well as a Golden globe and SAG award. How the hell does that happen?

1) Sandra Bullock plays the bitchyest protagonist ever as Anne Tuohy. Main characters are supposed to be likeable or relatable. They can have some sort of hubris that makes them a bit dickish, but keeps them human and makes us sympathize with them because we ourselves have our own character flaws that we need to overcome. However, Bullock is not relatable in the least and nothing that she does makes us like her, save for helping Michael. She is an upper-class woman who is isolated from most of the world (though that’s not a conflict in this movie, just part of her character.) She is controlling, angry, and very narrow-minded. (Again, not conflict, just part of her lovable character.) Nothing in her life goes wrong. She acts as a god figure who just makes everything great for Michael. Any time someone complains, she insults them or makes a sassy remark. Everything goes her way because she complains if things don’t. We never see any inner or other conflict of her character, so she remains two-dimensional, and a completely unnecessary character (again, except for the fact that she brought Michael in.), but she is the protagonist of the film, not Michael.

2) Bitchy is the only emotion she shows, and even that isn’t very convincing. The Academy loves over acting, and when actors portray “normal people,” that normally isn’t enough to get them a nomination. They like nominating people who play drug-addicts, tragic heroes, figures from history, insane murderers, or at the very least, characters who live several lives. 2000-2008, six of the nine winning actresses played historical figures, while the fictional characters included a boxer who refused to give up on her dream, a Jewish woman in post WWII Germany and has an affair with a teenage boy, and Halle Berry. The fact that Sandra Bullock won, seems out of character for the academy. I’m not saying the academy is ever right, but they do at least pick people who have emotions or scenes where they cry, do something drastic, or shout in anger. Bullock gives sass…and that’s it.

3) Everything she says sounds fake. This is more the fault of the Hallmark card writer that they got to make the script, but still, if she isn’t relatable at all, and everything she says sounds like the exact opposite of what most human beings say, why on earth would she even get a nomination. And it isn’t like what she says are character extremes, but are just illogical or contradictory. Example: She is hanging out with her lady friends at a nice restaurant eating nice expensive salads, in their nice expensive clothes talking gossip about people. Then the ladies make assumptions about Michael and Anne says “Shame on you for thinking that! How dare you?!” She says this 5 seconds after assuming things about other people, and about 5 minutes after making the assumption that Michael will steal from her…what the shit?! And when she does say things that make sense, they are things most people don’t say because its common sense. Example: Every line where she talks about how Michael is part of the family and they want him to stay. Finally, every other line of dialogue is an insult, sarcastic remark or cliché one-liner. Example: “I find him very attractive.” Husband: “I’m right here, you know.” Anne: “I know.” Example 2: “The quarterback is your family. You protect his “Blind Side” (oh hey, that’s the title of the movie! Yeah!), when you protect him, you think of me”.

Side note: When I heard that last line mentioned above, I thought of the scene in the Water Boy where Bobby kicks a guy in the face because he insults his mother. I then realized that The Blind Side and The Water Boy have an equivalent entertainment value.

Now I understand that Sandra Bullock’s character is supposed to be cool because she doesn’t take other people’s crap, and she will make a joke insulting the person’s incompetence to be as awesome as her, and she’s a strong independent woman, but all of those elements just come out as an unkind person. So we have an unkind person who is at the same time so perfect that she has no character flaws, no conflict, no emotion, and void of anything likeable or relatable. This is our protagonist, portrayed by Sandra Bullock, who won every award ever for this role. I just don’t understand why she won. It seems completely illogical. And the academy never screws up. Remember Crash?

If your still reading this, you’ll notice we haven’t even gotten into the plot yet. So lets see how many casualties there are in this train wreck of a film.

Ok, so the film starts off with Michael “Big Mike” Oher with his friend Steven going up to school basketballs that are just sitting there, not locked away. Steven says “Boy, white people are stupid.” This is the only line of dialogue in the film that can count as screenwriting, though I don’t think it was written at all, and the actor was just warning the audience what was in store for them in this film. Steven’s father talks to the school sports coach, trying to enroll the two boys into school. Michael ends up at this private, catholic school, but is homeless and walks around the streets, trying to find a place to stay. We then are shown the Tuohy family, which consists of an adorable little boy who speaks like an adult and says the darnest things, a teenage daughter who doesn’t say much, but deep down, cares a lot about her family, a father who is just a care-free cool dad who has no balls, and the mother, who won’t stand for lip, and gets things her way. If this sounds like a family of original characters, please drop something heavy on your foot, then go to your nearest hospital to receive medical attention for your broken toe and fucked up mind. The family has nothing going wrong. They have lots of money, and lots of good things. They come along Michael, and Anne takes him in like a good American should. Now Michael has lots of conflict. He was taken from his mother as a child, separated from his brother, homeless, very shy, under pressure from bad guys in his neighborhood, and although he’s very talented and built to be a football player, he can’t participate because he struggles in school. He’s a complex character that goes through an arch, changing throughout the story and at the end becoming an NFL player. Poverty, homelessness, and hopelessness to the NFL. That’s a big change and a great accomplishment. He is a supporting character, and has around 20 lines of dialogue overall. In the mean time, the main character goes from a rich white woman without problems and settled down with her family to a rich white woman without problems and settled down with her family which now includes someone who is more interesting than cardboard. Question: feel free to answer the question aloud. How would you feel if Lord of the Rings wasn’t about the Fellowship but about the giant eagles? Bad example, that would be awesome. Ok, how would you feel if Star Wars wasn’t about Luke, but C3-PO? Sure, this idea may also sound cool, but C3-PO isn’t much of a character since he is a robot who doesn’t have emotions and is just around for comic relief and presenting facts. Its effective…as a supporting character. No matter what happens to him, he will be the same as he started off because he has no conflict. So conclusions we can make on this? Sandra Bullock is a droid, and the only character who changes at all is pushed to the side. So essentially, this movie is watching rich white people to rich white people things and along the way help a poor black child become a part of their rich white family and do good things in sports (from the people who brought you “Politicians do Politician things (Minus Sex, Drugs, and Murder)”.)

Now for the writing. The fact that there are people who exist in the world who write this dialogue and are satisfied with this work is astounding. The only way in which that actually people wrote this is if the writers wrote birthday cards and fortune cookies for a living or they were both diagnosed with a disease that forces them to WRITE SHITTY DIALOGUE! This movie was overwhelmed with happy goodness and sweetness and kindness and crap that bogs down the entire story. What the writers neglect, apart from everything, is that feel good movie can’t be made of all feel good moments. You need conflict. You need something bad to happen that makes the good shine through even more. Movies of redemption, sacrifice, charity and every story of good vs. evil is more uplifting than this movie. Because the journey of pain ultimately pays off, and the positive that’s achieved has so much more meaning. When you give your audience a perfect world with no problems they can’t relate to the movie because their life sucks, then they get envious of that life, and then kill the filmmaker and then themselves. Do you want that blood on your hands, writers? I think our good friend, Samwise Gamgee, summarizes my thoughts best:

“It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.”

This quote shows what makes great uplifting stories mean something, and cause the audience to emote. (Congrats Blind Side. Lord of the Rings is a kinder and gentler movie than you.) It also shows exactly what the character of Michael goes through. Audiences don’t want a perfect world where everything goes well, without a hitch. The fact that this movie presents this family as this infallible being of greatness that can make all thing go right, is just mean to audiences and fake. This is why the story should have been about the person who started off homeless and ended up in the NFL, rather than the unlikable person who remains unlikable. With no change, no one cares, and no one feels inspired. In the famous book, “The Little Engine that Could” The train engine struggles, and has some doubt in himself, but ultimately overcomes his obstacles. (Congrats, Blind Side. The Little Engine that Could is more hardcore than you.)

Now some people may be roped in by the football aspect. The fact that it is a sports movie is reason enough to go, and you want to see someone improve at the sport and ultimately end up at the top. Well, for starters, this movie had one football game shown on screen. It also shows a football coach that is completely inept at his job (also his name is Coach Cotton. Do with that what you will.) I would now like to remind you of Disney’s “Remember the Titans”. This film deals with some of the same issues. It deals with race, overcoming ones obstacles so they can play football, and befriending others. This movie also had:

1) An adorable child actor who cares a lot about football.

2) Southerners trying to deal with the whole “black people” thing.

3) A scene where the main character becomes not a racist.

4) A scene where a bigot in the football stands is put in his place by a main character.

5) A car crash.

6) A token democrat.

7) A happy ending.

Every single ones of these things is done better in Titans than Blind Side. The kid in Titans doesn’t try to be adorable and say catchphrases. The southerners in Blind Side seemed either cartoonishly evil with their racism, or completely indifferent to the situation. The not racist scene in Blind Side is as follows. Anne: “I hope he doesn’t steal anything.” (next scene) Anne:“how dare you. How dare you make assumptions about him like that.” The bigot scene in Titians isn’t treated as a scene for the main character to show some more sassy language. The Blind Side is the only movie in the world ever, in which a car crash does not represent a down point for any characters but instead tries to get a laugh out of the audience from a small child who is bleeding and needs medical attention. The Blind Side gets a bitter old woman who hates things while Titans gets a Californian hippie who loves everyone. The Blind Side never changes its tone of painful optimism and ends with a hug. Remember the Titans ends at a funeral, but the spirit of the players and what they accomplished makes the end hopeful and happy. (Congrats, Blind Side. Disney is darker and edgier than you.)

By the way, I’m not done with the script. When I said that every line was a cathphrase, it wasn’t an exaggeration. The movie can’t have dialogue because every character just goes “Ah-ha. Something witty or inspirational sounding” or “here is my assist for your character to slam dunk a wonderful catchphrase” or “witty and sassy response to idiot character’s statement”.

The following quotes where taking from imdb quotes section for “The Blind Side”.

Michael: I never had one before.
Anne: A room to yourself?
Michael: A bed.

Michael: (After pushing an opponent off the field) Sorry coach. I stopped when I heard the whistle.
Coach: Where were you taking him?
Michael: The bus. It was time for him to go home.

Anne: You can thank me later…it’s later.

This only names several of the horrific tragedies that are the lines of dialogue in this script. Batman and Robin had less clichés than this film, and the worst part is that you can’t even laugh at the Blind Side. It’s not an absurd movie, and its clear that its trying to be taken seriously. Its problem is that it lacks the words and story to pull off serious. Its like a short child yelling at you “Quit it, you meanies!” You’d kick the shit out of that kid. No one is going to pay attention to that annoyance. Now, try to fuck with another Pest Picture nominee, Shawshank Redemption. You would die. No question. It will shank you without giving you a warning. Let’s try another family movie, Up. You talk shit about him and he will approach you, and articulate every way you are a failure and then you would kill yourself. How about another movie on racism, American History X. Now, if you were stupid enough to take a swing at him, you would find out that his body is made of steel. He would then laugh as he crushes your windpipe. (Congrats, Blind Side. You have no friends in movie high school. Time to sit at the loner table with Tyler Perry.)

This movie serves as an example of pandering to an audience gone horribly wrong. It tries to over simplify everything and then cover it all with fluff and glitter. (Congrats, Blind Side. You’re the kindergartener who eats paste.) It tries to get the suburban white crowd by showing them what they know and taming material like gang violence and drug use. It tries (and succeeds) in getting the academy vote by telling an “inspirational” story involving a black person. It tries to get kids with the football and hilarious dialogue. It presents itself as a family movie/gripping adult drama/ fun comedy/ sports movie that fails on all levels as I said beginning this whole review. It takes out anything controversial (which incidentally, makes it controversial) and bogs down the whole film with its overwhelming happiness. It’s not the happy fun stuff that makes films good. Writer Henrik Ibsen wrote about things in society that happened, but no one ever talked about. People at the time were outraged by presenting this crude language and action in his plays. But the fact of the matter is that what he wrote was important and had meaning. What made his characters relatable is that they thought how people then thought, even if they didn’t say it aloud. When one has material that calls for gang violence, car crashes, racism, anger, hatred, loneliness, and drugs, you can’t give the audience a happy family sitting down for a nice Thanksgiving smile with loving faces. In fact, what may be the worst part of this film were the two seconds when Michael picks up the painting “Family of Want” (http://www.frugal-cafe.com/public_html/frugal-blog/frugal-cafe-blogzone/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/rockwell-freedom-of-want.jpg) which is the epitome of creepy dystopia-like family that pretends all is well. What’s so funny is that it tries to relate the painting to the family in that it is happy, but unintentionally shows us that, like the picture, it’s a look at something fake, and not representing what is truly going on.

This movie is insulting, fake, boring, useless, and completely without any likable characters or and conflict whatsoever. This movie may not be the worst movie of all time, but as there was nothing I found good about this film, it gets the lowest score I can offer.

FINAL RATING 1/10

P.S. Remember the Titans: 8/10

There Will Be Chnages

So If anyone still checks this site, you may notice a severe lack in posts. This is for several reasons.
1) I've been really busy with school work and activities.
2) I've kinda been lazy.
3) I haven't seen many movies recently.
I apologize any I will try to start posting more. However, I've been writing more things recently so I will not be posting just reviews. (I'll probably be changing the title of the blog). But I will be discussing things like life the universe and everything, thoughts on other things and updates on my own movie.
So thank you for being patient, and I assure you, there will be changes coming soon.
Signed,
-Ian Deming

Avatar

Avatar, James Cameron’s newest movie, has had enormous hype since the Neolithic era. Finally the movie was released, shockingly crushing Princess and the Frog at the box office. In just the first three weeks, Avatar crossed the 1-billion dollar mark and beat out The Dark Knight, and will quite possibly beat Titanic, Cameron’s previous film. Undoubtedly, Cameron has become the wet dream of producers everywhere, able to consistently make shit tons of money from his movies. Granted, Avatar is the most expensive film ever made at over 6.2 billion (in pesos), but its made over twice of that already. Everyone is going insane over this movie, from claiming that it hates the gays to calling it the greatest film ever made (and some believe both).It received praise from audiences and critics alike. So really the question shouldn’t be “was this film good?” but “how good was this film?”…right?

Now here is where I sign my death warrant and destroy any credibility I may have established for myself in the past. I was underwhelmed. I politely ask that you put your torches and pitchforks down temporarily while I try to justify my idiotic statement. Let me begin by saying that this film is one that should be seen. This film has, without a doubt the greatest visual effects in cinema history, and the 3-D just adds another level of epicness, putting you right into the world of Pandora. James Cameron knows how to make action (after all, this is the 3^rd time that he has made the most expensive movie ever made). However, there is a far longer list of things that Mr. Cameron does not know how to make. The first thing that comes to mind is story.

We open to space, the final frontier, where Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) has just arrived at Pandora, to continue a mission that his twin brother was involved in before he was killed. In a narration more irritating than Bella’s from Twilight, he tells audience (who isn’t paying attention because the space ship looks sooooooo cool) that he is continuing his brother’s mission because as he says “because he wanted something worth fighting for” but the movie tells us “because we paid him a lot of money and he is just a pawn marine with the intellect of a flea”. From there, we get introduced to the planet of Pandora, again showing the amazing achievements of current special effects, and we also get an introduction to the story’s main villain, Miles Quaritich (Stephen Lang), who, when not lifting weights, or shooting guns, spits pure testosterone onto his enemies and then beats them to death with his brass balls. Continuing on our tour, we come across Dr. Grace Augustine (Sigourney Weaver), a scientist who studies the planet, Dr. Max Patel (Dileep Rao), a scientist who…sciences? And Finally we come to Parker Selfridge (Giovanni Ribisi), all the evil from corporations put into one man. He explains that the humans are on Pandora to gather a mineral called unobtainium, and the largest deposit is under the village of the Pandora natives called the Na’vi. So Jake is going to go on a mission to try and negotiate the na’vis’ relocation with their leader…wait, wait, wait. The humans are trying to obtain a mineral called unobtainium…ok, just had to ask again.

So this crack commando unit (without Mr. T) goes to the forest. Due to Jake’s idiocy, he gets separated from the team and is left to get killed by the cast of Ferngully. He eventually comes across a na’vi called Neytiri (Zoe Saldana). She takes him to the village and once again, due to Jake’s idiocy, he survives. Neytri’s father, the leader of the tribe, insists that Jake be taught the ways of the na’vi because he is a soldier, and dumb soldiers can be taught things, but smart scientists can’t (I’m paraphrasing, but yeah, that’s pretty much what he says). So then Jake Learns the ways of the na’vi and begins feeling bad about the whole, forcing them out of their home bit. (It was around this point that I realized that this was not Avatar: The Last Airbender).

My first complaint about this story is that it isn’t all that interesting. I walked into the theater pretty much knowing what would happen, and the story didn’t do I anything I didn’t expect. I knew what to expect, not only because it follows the routine movie formula, it is the plot of many other movies. In fact, let’s take a look.

1) Delgo: One group of people run out of resources on their planet and then invade another one. The natives are not too happy with this and then one man, stands against the group trying to prevent war on the people. He fails and war happens, but he is able to end the war with the help of the girl he falls in love with and they live happily ever after. Also they fly on dragon-like creatures that are essentially the same as banshees, live on a world with floating mountains and big-ass trees, and the natives look like off-color elves.

2) Pocahontas: Guy works for Big company, that is traveling to a foreign land so that they can mine for some mineral and get rich. Thing is, the natives seem to be standing in the way of their success. Guy meets natives and after spending time with them, he realizes that they are not savages, but people who just want to defend their homes. He also falls in love with the chieftain’s daughter and together, they solve the conflict.

Dances with Wolves: A man who used to fight for those who fought for power, comes across the natives of the land, and is kind enough that he is accepted into their tribe. He realizes that the natives are hurt by those he previously held allegiance to, and tries to help the natives. He also falls in love with the chieftain’s daughter and together, they solve the conflict.

4 Ferngully: A group of spiritual people who live in the forest are under attack from industry and big business that is destroying their land. One ignorant human stumbles into their colony, and eventually learns how what he has been doing has been destroying theses people’s lives. He also falls in love with the chieftain’s daughter and together, they resolve the conflict.

5 Braveheart: A group of people are attacked by a larger more powerful force, that feels that they are superior to the others. This group doesn’t surrender, and despite the fact that they are outnumbered, and don’t have the weapons that their enemies do, they fight against them because the enemy may take their lives, but they can never take their freedom. Also, the main character falls in love with the daughter of a king. (This movie apparently hates the gays too.)

6) The Last Samurai: Guy fights for people with technology on his side. He gets captured by another group who’s ways seem odd to him, but he learns to respect them and eventually sides with them to defeat the people he originally fought for. Oh, wait, no love interest.

7) Star Wars: Return of the Jedi: Big bad large powerful group wants to take over, but some humans understand that its wrong. They side with ill-equipped seemingly savage beings who inexplicably are able to overcome the technologically superior. Also the main character falls in love with the daughter of a queen and together, they resolve the conflict.

8) An Inconvenient Truth: Mankind’s greedy nature, and their need to increase industry and technology will lead to the destruction of the environment, unless someone, who has experienced mankind’s need to expand, puts a stop to it. Also the main character falls in love with the daughter of the queen and together, they resolve the conflict.

9 Terminator series: This shouldn’t count since its Cameron’s own work, but still. Greedy company obsessed with advancing technology and gaining recourses and such. Leads to war between man and machine.

Now Avatar has made over 1 billion dollars and has received critical praise. Delgo was one of the top financial disasters in cinema and its critical reception was on par with Batman and Robin. It seems like they have the same boring contrived story (except it works in Last Samurai and Star Wars). Could it be that the fact that this film just had better writing and better visual effects.

Oh the writing!...oh. the writing. Let me first say that James Cameron is an accomplished writer in the action and comedy genres. Hearing Arnold’s one-liners is more angelic than the voice of Neytiri- I mean Pocahontas. Regardless, Cameron’s writing is a bit stale in the dramatic movies. Some of the writing is just not believable, mostly the entire romantic subplot between Jake and Neytiri. And Jake’s narration becomes very irritating through the 3 hours. But the worst writing comes from Cameron’s strange perception of nature and spirituality. The na’vi’s ideas of the planet and their god, and their specials bonds, and their trees makes less than no sense. The spiritual side makes Jehovah witnesses sound like brilliant scholars. The nature side sounds like an en even more nonsensical version of Transcendentalism. Cameron at least takes the story seriously unlike many of the bigger-budget movies this year (Transformers 2, 2012), but the writing still lacks a lot of the energy in many action movies. In other words, watching Michelle Rodriguez fire on a ship and say “opps” doesn’t have half of the entertainment value of Arnold shooting a missile with a terrorist on it while saying “You’re Fired!” It doesn’t go for the catchphrase, but for epic lines instead (which is fair considering how this movie seems to take itself more seriously than “Precious”), but the issue is that the writers fail to capture the epicness. Some of the monologues sound as simple and irritating as the morals learned at the end of an episode of Hey Arnold (Not to disrespect Hey Arnold, but epic was not their strong point). The simple dialogue just detracts from the scene and makes it sound very normal rather than what someone might hear in the final battle for an entire planet in the future. Its like talking modern-day slang in a movie in medieval England.

(Immediately after typing this sentence, Ian realized that horrid memory of years ago when he viewed “The Black Knight”, a movie which committed the very sin Ian described. After a long struggle in court, Ian was found “not-guilty” of attempted murder of Martin Lawrence. He then returned to his home computer and wrote about the characters of the film “Avatar”)

No matter how immersed you be in the planet of Pandora, or how amazing the fight scenes look, you need to be compelled by the characters. If you don’t care about the rebels, then the Death Star fight in Star Wars seems pointless. My indifference towards the Ewoks makes Return of the Jedi my Least favorite of the Trilogy (coincidentally, Return was the one I compared to Avatar). The characters of Avatar are boring, some are ridiculous, and some have less appeal than Howard the Duck. Jake Sully is just some military man with the thought process of a Transformer 2 soldier. Neytiri is…kind? Or something? Quaritich is so overwhelmingly badass, there is a real scene in the film were he discusses why he keep the scar on his face while he lifts weights and then immediately after, steps into a death machine of awesome. It’s cool at first, but there is no real character, he is just evil for the sake of being evil and has no reason to passionately hate the na’vi since, as Jake says in those essential asides of his, all the military guys are just guns for hire. Grace and Norm (played by Joel Moore, star of such masterpieces as Grandma’s Boy and The Hottie & the Nottie) don’t do anything except for adding some exposition and telling the audience the nature of the planet. Apart from Jake, Neytiri, and Miles, none of the characters add anything useful to the story at all. The acting does not do much for its case. The motion-capture technology used definitely helps to show the actors performances, but the acting is as blank as a CGI face, so it is not a massive achievement.

This movie was also three hours. That was unnecessary. It’s a simple plot. Hell several movies have the same plot and finish the story in under half the time. Some scenes go on forever just to give the audience a cock-punch at the end. Like one scene involves a na’vi ritual where they all huddle up, pray to their blue, fury god, and do some odd song and dance. They do this so that something will happen to the thing they are all praying around. The scene finishes, the ritual didn’t work, and everyone moves on. Presumably, the director’s cut will have the audience stare at CGI grass grow for the first hour. You may be saying to yourself “Now Ian, surely you jest. Perhaps some scenes may be unreasonable, but to suggest that genius filmmaker James Cameron would make us stare at nature for an hour is simply preposterous”. Well person I envision wearing a monocle with a large moustache, you are going to be unpleasantly surprised by the first act. After some painful dialogue used to establish the story, Cameron gives us around 20 pointless minutes of Pandora nature. We spend almost a full 2-minutes of Jake fucking with some plants and helicopter lizards (for clarification, touching the plants makes them emit a cartoon sound effect and then shrink faster than Rick Moranis in a 90’s comedy. And the lizards are small creatures who have helicopter blades on their back, causing then to fly away faster than Rick Moranis’ popularity after the 90’s). and for chewing up more of your precious time, I present to you 100 bad subplots. Do to these sidequests Jake embarks on, it takes about 2 hours because stuff finally blows up. For example, Jake needs to learn about the na’vi culture. I guess that means the audience needs to learn about it too. This means that we need to spend five minutes listening to Neytiri talk about how the bond between a na’vi and a banshee is like…magic or something and the bond is something you can see in their eyes. Then we get another scene of Jake wrestling a banshee, then one of Jake flying a banshee. Jake does not use this banshee at all in the final battle.

By the time we reach the film’s climax, I was bored out of my mind. The final battle was good, but nothing that changed the way I look at movies. The final battle scenes from Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and the series finale of Hey Arnold were considerably more epic mostly because I cared about the characters in the scene. But as far as special effects go, yeah, these are the best in any film.

This film has unquestionably changed cinema, though I would argue that it has changed it in a way that will lead to unhappiness. Studios now know what is sure to get them money. Special effects, 3-D, and futuristic. Story you ask? I don’t know, kids today haven’t seen Citizen Cane, right? Use the story, make it actiony somehow and make sure we can make it 3-D.

God help us all.

The hype for this movie was entirety, and in all other ways, inconceivable. The after effects are even more astounding. People are having what is being called post-Avatar-depression. Essentially, some people, after seeing Avatar, become depressed not because the film was bad, but because their lives are boring, consisting of nothing but sitting at the computer or writing dumb movie reviews, and are nothing near as cool as the film Avatar. People are taking this shit seriously! It even is getting protested by the LGBT (lesbian gay bisexual and transgender people) because quote “there are no homosexual characters in the film”. This example seems to capture the batshit insanity that is going on around this film. No film has had this big an impact on the masses, and I really feel left out. I saw this film, and I just couldn’t fathom how people are idolatrizing and curiously sexually aroused by this film. I used to be the guy who would chastise that rebellious jackass who claimed that the Dark Knight wasn’t good, but now I can understand, and I fully apologize to anyone I have ever told had bad taste in films, or anyone I have allegedly murdered for calling Transformers 2 “so awesome!” Though some of you may still want to do unspeakable things to me to make my life no longer happen. Before you pull the trigger, please respond to these questions:

-Why should I care about Jake Sully or any other character?

-What are some examples of good writing in the movie?

-Why should I be interested in the story?

-(follow-up) Why should I be interested if I’ve seen the story and know what happens?

-Where are my pants?

-What makes this worth remembering at all?

-What makes the action scenes any better than a run-of-the-mill lightsaber battle or city siege.

-Why should the movie have been 3 hours?

-Where is Rick Moranis today?

-(follow-up) Anyone have his number? He seems like a cool dude.

-What makes Pandora more imaginable than Naboo?

-How do you not get pissed off with names like Pandora, and unobtainium?

-Just name something cool besides the CGI.

Now the CGI is amazing, and it deserves credit for that. And the movie at least has dignity, giving us actual people (though uninteresting) rather than things like 2012, where we got John Cusack giving one-liners throughout the apocalypse. This film is not bad, just unoriginal, somewhat stupid, a moral that is violently shoved down your throat, boring, and long. That sounds bad, but most of what I say sounds unpleasant. In actuality, this movie is going to change movies for the worse, and is far from one of the best movies of the year. But I say see it anyway. Unless your life is boring. Or you are a particularly hateful gay person.

Final Rating: 5.5/10

P.S. I didn’t even touch upon the weird hair tentacles. I’m quite proud of myself.